Jennifer's Writings

Receipts

I decided to clean out an old bin in the pantry today.  It was filled with receipts that I have put off filing.  Without thinking, I started to sort the receipts by date.  If the slips were dated after 9-6-05, I threw them away without care.  If I noticed any purchases made before Shawn died, I neatly stacked them on a separate pile. Without consciously trying, I knew exactly what I was doing.  I needed to see what was important before death.  What did we buy?  What was worth spending money?  Where were our values? 

I was particularly interested in the receipts from August which was only weeks before Shawn was killed.  How could he have known that the camera part he bought at National Camera Exchange 19 days before his death would be the last time he ever walked into one of his favorite stores?  I bought brussel sprouts 15 days before the accident.  Who buys brussel sprouts?  Now I remember we were trying to eat healthier.  I served them with fish one night.  I hope he liked it.  He said he did.  Now I wish I would have made beef stroganaugh instead, one of his favorite meals.  On that same grocery stub it lists four small cartons of half and half creamer.  It was on sale.  Shawn loved cream in his coffee.  I don’t buy creamer anymore. 

Bathtub

Tonight at dinner I told Maddi that after we were done eating she would have a bath in the bathtub.  With a wide grin she exclaimed, “Bafff-taahb”  I was startled to hear her say a new word.  For the last month we have been stuck on “mom”, “no” and “hi”.  Of course she must be brilliant if she can say a two syllable word! 

Jordan told me he was sad tonight.  He asked me if I could come hold him.  I reminded him it was time to go to bed and proceeded to ask why he was sad.  He answered, “Because I am sad, Mom.  Because I want you to hold me with my feelings.”  I wrapped him in my arms wondering if I could possibly hold all the feelings welling up inside of him.  As a mother, I wish I had super hero powers to conquer sadness, disappointment, fear, loss.  I can only hope my holding him felt powerful and secure to him.   

There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t find myself wishing for Shawn to be a part of bedtime baths and provide some super hero powers.   

Swirling

How can 5,000 thoughts keep me up at night?  How can they find vacancy inside my mind to bother me?  Swirling.  Everything seems to be swirling.  And the worst (most ironic) part is I am so utterly tired, I can’t sleep. 

I Showed Up

On Sunday I ran in the First Annual Shawn Silvera 5K Memorial Run.  A few close friends organized the event and I was impressed with their successful coordination.  My week prior to the run was consumed with the sentencing trial regarding Shawn’s death.  Honestly, I had little desire to focus on exercise, running or anything that would be “good for me.”  My days during the trial ran together in a haze.  And the days following didn't offer me much motivation.  I spent most of the week going to bed by 7:00 pm out of pure exhaustion. 

Needless to say, this wasn't an ideal set of circumstances when preparing for a race.  I feel fortunate that I have a strong network of friends who believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I was doubtful about even being able to participate in the run.  My friends convinced me otherwise.   

Hang Around, Hugs and Hush

Tonight I attended a session given by Doug Manning on the topic of grief at the Roberts Family Funeral Home.  For two quick hours I listened to him outline the journey of grief, while my eyes flooded with the raw feelings of Shawn’s death.  Mr. Manning defined grief as the natural reaction to any loss, emphasizing the words any and natural.  Anything we lose creates grief.  The degrees of grief vary, yet we all experience loss in some form, whether we lose our billfold (a low degree of grief) or a loved one (the most severe level of grief) we all can relate to how grief can affect our senses, state of mind, physical responses and emotional health. 

One of the best ways mentioned to cope with any loss is to talk about the pain and recognize it.  One of the things that make us feel better is to be heard and validated.  Like our very own thumbprint, grief is unique and individual.  And although we each grieve loss differently, we all search for significance from what is newly missing.

Through years of work and observation, Mr. Manning has noticed that the grieving process takes at least two years and possibly longer.  This does not mean that the dull ache ever fully goes away, but the loss does transition and life is reconstructed.  I stared at him in a bit of disbelief as I immediately whispered to myself, “I am just starting.  I have survived a year.  Now as year two begins, I am just beginning to learn the fuller extent of loss.  Year one does not graduate me.  I am just starting.”

He encouraged people that the three best things to offer a person suffering from loss can be remembered as the “3 H’s ~ Hang Around, Hugs and Hush”.  The most important gift is our presence.  In addition, the power of touch and the power of silence should not be underestimated.  We give people permission to grieve when we provide a safe place for them to talk about what hurts the most.  Grieving people are searching for safety.  There is nothing safe about loss.  This now makes sense why I am continually seeking acceptance from others.  I am really trying to gain back some sense of security.  It is part of my reconstruction project. 

Passion

God’s heart is touched by passion.  God’s heart is touched by commitment. -The Purpose Driven Life

Now life is slowing down.  And my heart still aches.  Whether I am busy or quiet, Shawn isn’t here and I am not sure how to transition my life when he was my life.  Life without him is a whole new revelation of solitude.  After a year of living in confusion and utter disorder, I unfortunately am learning that the start of the second year after loss still holds unwanted commotion. 

In a much needed phone conversation, a good friend pointed out last night that it is possible to be in the midst of the will of God even when everything surrounding the situation seems to be in complete chaos. 

I feel this quiet chaos choking me and yet, I sense God in nearly every breath I take, resuscitating me.  Never before now have I better understood how God saves a soul.  Even in my despair I see how He revives, restores and rescues.  Does this strengthen my passion?  Maybe.  Does it reinforce my commitment?  Most definitely.  This is the delicate balance between living and survival. 

Get into the Morning

Most mornings I am very tired. I wait for my kids to call before I begin thinking about getting out of bed. This morning Jordan came to my bedside and said, “Wake up mom let’s get into the morning.” This was a precious way to face the day. “Get into the morning” I interpreted to mean: put some effort into the day, face it, deal with it, live it, breathe it, move with it, learn from it.

Make Big Plans

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood...Make big plans, aim high in hope and work. -Daniel H. Burnham US architect & city planner (1846 - 1912)

The week is a blur of hope and heaviness.  The Sunday night BE HERE NOW Benefit Dinner was my cup of hope.  The evening inspired me along with many to find meaning in the moment and make the most of our present opportunities. 

I have spent my week at the sentencing trial.  The trial involving Shawn’s death has been my cup of heaviness.  I drag myself through each day, determined to reach each evening with as much dignity as I am able to display.  My best observation is that the hope I have experienced sustains me through the heaviness.  I look forward to bigger plans.

I Carry His Love

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate)
I want no world (for you are my world)
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

                                             ~e.e. cummings

I used to ask Shawn at times, “where is your heart?”  And without hesitation he would touch my heart and respond, “Right there.”  He would tell me, “Jennifer, you hold my heart.” 

And now he isn’t here and I wonder why it was me?  Why I was the privileged one to have a period in time to travel for a portion of my life with Shawn? 

The truth that he entrusted me to carry his heart on this earth, is my highest honor. 

And tonight in the midst of all my sadness and sorrow, I graciously thank my God for introducing me to a man like Shawn.  Rarely is such a gift given.  Yet, now I see how he loved me in both true and regular ways.  A decent, consistent, honest, unreserved, complete kind of love – this was my gift in Shawn.  The way in which he demonstrated life to me, beckons me to live generously.  I carry his love.  I carry it in my heart. 

The One Year Mark

Tomorrow is the Benefit Dinner at the Hilton.  My heart is racing.  The work of many dedicated people is now coming together into a smooth and brilliant evening.  I know God has great things planned. 

I had a very good friend write and explain my last year from their perspective.  It helped me review all the work my body and spirit have been subject to this past year and it was encouraging for me to see that hard work pays off.  I would like to share my friend's comments:

Perhaps the reason many people talk about the one year mark being so powerful is because many people often times celebrate things yearly... i.e. Valentines Day, Anniversary, etc. This is the way many people process things, just as people often feel the pain more around holidays because that is the time they notice it more. So, while that is the case for many people, Shawn and you lived differently...you shared monthly moments that many people only observe yearly. From this, I conclude that every month, there is a "yearly" grieving cycle that takes place for you allowing you to strengthen, grow and stretch in amazing ways.  You are very present in your journey of healing.   It is a positive testament that you have progressed in such strides within your grieving process. 

Last Time

In the past week my mind has been racing back to the last moments I shared with Shawn; our last vacation, our last date, our last conversation, our last meal, the last thing I saw him wearing.  The list runs like a long, unending litany.  I feel so fragile tonight, like I could break.  But, then again how do you break what has already been broken?

One Year Ago

Technically Shawn died on the sixth of September.  I tend to remember him dying on the first day of school; the day after Labor Day. Regardless, this entire week feels like a blur mimicking the week I entered a year ago.

I can’t believe I have lived an entire year without him.  I found myself today echoing these words in an empty house, “I can’t believe this.  I can’t believe this.”  Yesterday I went to the grocery store and saw a mom and a dad and two little kids playing the “swinging arm game” as they walked towards the entrance.  Heading to my car, I timidly forced a grin and then quickly glanced down as I didn’t want them to notice how sad their happiness made me. 

This past weekend, Jordan’s uncle took him camping for the first time.  As appreciative as I am to the strong and positive influence Jordan’s uncle provides in his life, I would have given anything when they drove away to have Shawn be the first one to take his son camping.  It was this same weekend a year ago that we went on a bike ride and talked about the meaning of life.  We decided that the best way to live is now - without regrets of the past or worries for the future. 

Today a lady asked me what I was going to do for Labor Day and I simply shrugged.  A year ago today Shawn and I were looking forward to his next set of days off, planning how we would enjoy them together.  We loved being together.  I didn’t have the heart to explain to this woman that there is no where I can go, any event that I can plan, any place where I can find the complete life I was living a year ago.

I fight against pity.  But, I think there is a difference between feeling sorry for oneself and truthfully being disappointed with life.  I don’t believe the opposite of pity is pleasure.  Today I am giving myself permission to see the disillusionment of life.  Life is far from perfect, far from ideal, and far from explainable.  I think it is normal, one year out, to feel some disenchantment.      

The Journey of Grief

The funeral home has sent me a series of booklets over the past year by Doug Manning, a leader in seminars on grief care.  I easily connected to some of the quotes in the last book I was sent. 

• It is important, when dealing with grief, to keep the process moving.  The temptation is to freeze, to stay perpetually recoiled against so terrible a blow.  –Martha Whitmore Hickman

• Time does restore to us our quiet joy in the spiritual presence of those we love, so that we learn to remember without pain and to speak without choking up with tears.  But, all of our lives, we will be subject to sudden small reminders which will bring all the old loss back overwhelmingly.  –Emily Watson

• I understand so little of this process of grief, yet this I know for sure.  The theory about stages is wrong.  We bereaved don’t reach acceptance.  We don’t recover from grief.  If we are lucky and if we are strong, we simply learn how to live with it.  –Andrea Warren

I wish I could write until it would all go away, magically disappear, and suddenly fade.  I wish the words I struggle to find could bring some lasting comfort.  I wish my journals would answer all my questions and bring some peace of mind.  But, it seems that no matter how many times I recount the pain, I can not find a way to cross back in time to a happier place.  Maybe I have started to confuse the idea of passage with the idea of flight.  I believe that I will fly again.  I just can never fly back to what I once had.  I have been rerouted and my writings now serve to document the course.

Doug Manning will be speaking at the Roberts-Eckert Funeral Home in Forest Lake on Thursday, September 21, 2006 at 7:00 PM.

Body of Christ

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.  Philippians 4:13

Many have written or called this week with encouragement.  Their messages strengthen me.  This must be the concept of the “body of Christ” at work.  I want to keep record of some of the encouraging words:

• Jennifer, I know how important this series of events in September is to you and can only hope and pray we can honor Shawn and lovingly help you navigate yet one more milestone along your journey of grieving and healing. The children look so happy-you can be sure Shawn is extremely proud! You are doing a fabulous job of keeping it all together regardless of how insane it must feel during various moments, days and weeks.  Nothing but compliments to you.  God bless and thank you for inviting me and my family to participate!

• Shawn would be proud of where you are and proud of where you are going.

• I was thinking the other night that sometimes I don't think people realize the depth of God's love until they are in the depths of complete chaos. I sure didn't. As always, I guess we're all sort of "works in progress". Take care.

• Many have heard your story, like a pebble in the pond.  Shawn’s life and legacy are touching many.  You don’t know how many you have touched.  You don’t know how far the ripples go.  You have made us aware.  I was blessed to be at the funeral.  You have taught me about love and not to take a day for granted.  This is the kind of love I want to pass down to my children and grandchildren. Nothing is wasted in God’s kingdom unless we choose to waste it.   Instead of choosing a lifetime of pity through this sudden and tragic loss you have decided to walk into a new arena.  God is gifting the world with your willingness to share Shawn.  You are loved by many.

• The road to success is not straight.  There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success.