Jennifer's Writings

High Ropes

Last weekend I attended a Spouse’s Retreat hosted through COPS (Concerns of Police Survivors).  Over 80 widows of officers’ killed in the line of duty came together to offer support, share wisdom and encourage one another.  The weekend was filled with heaviness and hope.  It was a combination of heart-breaking stories owned by some of the boldest women I have ever encountered. 

One of the most inspiring individuals I met during the retreat was COPS Executive Director, Suzie Sawyer.  Her mere presence emphasizes her passion to assist in rebuilding the lives of surviving family members.  She is the walking definition of care and support.  One hug from Suzie and you feel like you matter.  I watched her dance throughout the weekend offering encouragement.  She is a visionary –passionately living out her mission.  I can only hope to live with the same fervor. 

Donation versus Duration

God wants to use you to make a difference in his world.  He wants to work through you.  What matters is not the duration of your life, but the donation of it.  Not how long you lived, but how you lived.  –The Purpose Driven Life

I have a calendar with quotes from the book, The Purpose Driven Life.  The quote above was the daily thought for September 12th.  I found it fitting as this was the anniversary date of Shawn’s funeral and the same date this year that Lino Lakes dedicated a memorial to Shawn with the inscription, “Don’t wait for tomorrow.  Be Here Now.”

I can honestly say Shawn donated much of his life to the service of others.  I am proud that his life focused more on giving than on taking.  I am humbled that his life mirrored the ideas of donation versus duration.  And I am inspired that it wasn’t how long he lived, but how he lived that people are remembering. 

Float

Jordan woke up at 2 am last night.  He sat up in bed calling for me.  When I reached his room he asked, “Mommy, how did daddy get to heaven?  Did he float there?”  Sleepily I answered, “That could be.  Maybe he floated, Jordan.”  Before laying his head back down to sleep he commented, “I think people float when they are dead.” 

Fighting

Today Maddi and Jordan were fighting.  I am at such a loss when they fight.  I don’t know how to convince them that this is not the way we are to treat one another.  One minute we are practicing how to say, “I’m sorry” and seconds later I hear the return of screaming or witness the vicious hair pulling.  It seems like a constant battle for all of us to remedy.

Then there are the moments of self defiance and curiosity.  Last week I found Maddi taking a knife over to a light socket.  I raised my voice in warning, “Madelynn - DO NOT put that knife in the light socket.  You could get very hurt.  You could die doing that.” 

Jordan paying close attention reasoned, “Mom, if Maddi died would she get to go see Daddy?”  I froze in my discipline.  Here I was threatening death to be something we should avoid, yet with my children I have told them numerous times that we will see daddy someday after we die and go to heaven. 

My kids do not appear to be afraid of the word death.  It is a common conversation in our household forced upon us to talk about.  Obviously, our goal is to live as long as we are meant to and clearly it is my responsibility to keep my children safe.  In it all, I am amazed at how perceptive they are to the world of words around them.  It wakes me up to the language I choose to use. 

Instead of fighting death, I need to continually grasp onto the idea that the entire reason we live is to one day die.  It really isn't a fight.  It is the inevitable.  So much to ponder.  Stop the fight.  Live well.   

Are You Sharing?

Rafa, my friend who visited from Honduras, shared an endearing story with me about an encounter he had with my son, Jordan.  For lunch one day Rafa was sitting in my kitchen enjoying a meal from McDonald's when Jordan pulled up a barstool next to him and started sampling a few French Fries. 

After eating about seven, Jordan looked up with a French Fry in hand and asked Rafa matter-of-factly, “Are you sharing?”

Rafa laughed out loud, “Now I am.” 

One of the hidden mysteries of my healing process is the unbelievable love and generosity people have shared with me since Shawn died.  Even the most severe wound can be soothed by someone who selflessly shares.  Restoration is found in sharing that goes two ways.  I feel my best when I am sharing with others.  Daily I must ask myself, “Are you sharing?”  It is a guaranteed way to be cheered.

Vehicle of Inspiration

For the past month I have had two very special friends staying with me from Honduras.  Ruth and her brother Rafael (Rafa) helped introduce Shawn and I to the Latin American culture while we served for two years in their country with the Peace Corps between 2001-2003.  My friend Ruth called this trip a historical event as it was her first time traveling to the United States.  I was thrilled to have them here to experience life in the United States, spend time with me and my kids and participate in some of the memorial celebrations honoring Shawn this past month. 

The highlight event for Rafa was the 5K Shawn Silvera Memorial Run hosted September 15th in Lino Lakes.  All proceeds from the run are being donated to the Honduras Water Project, which works to bring clean, running water to a third world mountain village.  It was a particularly meaningful event for my friends as they know how much aid this provides their country.  On an even more personal level, this was the first time Rafa has ever participated in a 5K race. 

The night after the run, with sore legs and tired bodies, we discussed the contagious energy we felt.  Searching for the perfect expression, Rafa explained that the run was a vehicle of inspiration for him.  While he was running he had the chance to think about his life and personal goals in the solitude of his mind.  The run forced him to think alone without other distractions.  He found it to be a perfect time to reflect. 

Storyteller

“I think that we all struggle to give words and definition to the overwhelming emotion and pain we hold in our hearts...  I think that God helps us, sometimes, express what might have otherwise gone unsaid and been forgotten”. –m. (my email friend)

I am a storyteller.  I love to share my story.  I love to see my story unfold.  I want to know more.  I am anxious to find out how it ends.  Yet, with any great story I don't want it to end; like reading a book slower in order to prolong the anticipation and intrigue. 

God has a story for each of us.  A story filled with surprise and suspense.  He leads us through all details and emotion of our story in order for us to experience life at full strength.  Our story on this earth does not end.  Our next life with God is actually the beginning after our prologue here on earth.  Our heavenly story will bring total fulfillment including our desire to always learn more about what God has in store. 

We live inside a story.  We write a page each day.  Share the best part of your story now.  Allow your story to unfold.  Become a storyteller.

There Must Be Something More

When I think of this man buried in a grave - I believe there must be something more.  Here is the one I called my husband, the one I loved and lived with, the one I knew inside out.  How could this be the end?

There must be something more.  I can't accept that life ends in nothing.  There must be something grand.  There must be a place, a way, a time when I will see him again.

The way I live my life today is the direct result of a man who made a choice to love me.   Each day he rose and chose to love me.  He committed his belief in me so that one day I could believe in myself. 

This story is too full to believe life ends in the grave.  My heart knows there must be something more.

I Am on a Mission for You

You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.  –James 3:18 The Message Bible

Today the City of Lino Lakes publicly declared every September 12th in their city to be named Shawn Silvera Day.  Included in the ceremony was a beautiful sculpture dedicated in Shawn’s honor.  For me the event was incredibly symbolic of the meaning of community.  I read recently in the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, “Community requires commitment…It takes both God’s power and our effort to produce a loving Christian community.”   

I spoke at the ceremony about the message inscribed upon the stones, “Don’t Wait for Tomorrow.  Be Here Now.”  Praying last week about what I would share with the group gathered I passionately talked with God crying, “I am on a mission for you.  I want everyone to cling to these words.  I want people to see the importance of today.  God, I will commit my life to sharing this message in order that people come closer to you.” 

Gently I felt a tugging at my spirit, a response, God talking, “Jennifer, thank you for your generous and genuine offering.  Your gift to me is precious and wholehearted.  I do, also, need to tell you something. I am on a mission for you. I am on a mission to know your heart.  I am on a mission to fill in the gap of all your hurts.  I am on a mission to bring you into my kingdom.  I am on a mission for you to cling to my words.  I know you see the importance of today.  I know your eyes have been opened.  I know what you know.  And I will commit my every day to sharing myself deeper with you.  I want to know you better.  I want to know your heart in addition to all the hearts that come to the ceremony on September 12th. Yes, Jennifer.  I am on a mission for you.”

A Rope to Heaven

My little boy told me today, "Mommy, I want dad to come down of heaven." 

I answered, "Daddy can not come down from heaven." 

Without stopping he continued, "Can we go up to heaven?" 

"Someday," I said. "Someday we will see dad again in heaven and that will be an amazing day."  Yet, even as I explained this unknown plan I wanted to know why my three year old must be so patient to wait a lifetime to be with his father. 

The questions deepened, "How did dad get up to heaven?  Did God have a rope?" 

I encouraged, "Those are good questions, Jordan.  Maybe God has a rope."

With this possibility Jordan inquired, "Did God pull my daddy up?  Did God use his rope to pull daddy up to heaven?  I think God uses his rope, Mom." 

At this I was completely puzzled.  I do not know how God helps us reach from one side to the next.  Some have told me angels come to guide us.  Many tell of the familiar bright light theory.  I have also heard the idea that the person who dies rides away on a brave and valiant, white horse. 

I hugged my precious son, happy that he feels free to explore his ideas with me.  I may never have any suitable answers for him.  But, I commit each day that he will be free and secure to ask me as many questions as he needs to.   

My Best Brand New Day

September 6th - the two year mark of Shawn's death - turned out to be a beautiful day of honor and remembrance.  I was completely overwhelmed by many special friends who delivered or sent flowers to my home.  Before going to bed that night I counted 15 bouquets of flowers filling my house.  Roses and daisies of every color imaginable.  It was as delightful as a flower shop.  In a sense, I felt Shawn was taking care of me. 

This is the power of friendship - caring for someone else in order that they feel the greatest type of love.    The truest friends in your life have the power to transform you.  They can take the darkest day and change it.  They can say we want your worst nightmare to be washed into your best brand new day.   

This is what happened to me on Thursday.  I felt the power of friendship.  I felt surrounded by my truest friends.  I felt the greatest type of love.  I felt transformed.  I felt my darkest day changing.  I felt my worst nightmare being handled tenderly with care and understanding.  I felt my best day that I have yet to feel since Shawn died.  I felt something brand new. 

Two Years Today -They Are Well

In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given the strength to continue and endure.  -Heart Warrior Chosa

Two years today.  How do I feel?  A quiet sadness. One endures what they would rather change and I am reminded today that I would reverse the universe if I could to have one more day with Shawn.  I continue in my journey because my hope is in God.  I continue on my path because Shawn's love inspires me.  I continue moving within a given day because my children move and jump and invite me to play along. 

Continue and endure.  The two words go together.  Loss does not allow these words to be separated. 

Loss is a constant work of healing and restoring.   I don't believe I will be able to say I am healed in the sense of past tense until I walk through heaven's gates.  Like the song writer states in his most famous hymn, "It is well with my soul," my spirit longs to sing these words.  And one day I confidently believe I will be able to say it is well with me.  This is different from saying things are better.  Instead, my hope is to agree they are well.  Not forgotten.  They are well.  Not less painful.  They are well.  Not excused.  They are well.  More accepted.  They are well. 

Memories and Dreams

There is a unique woman I met since Shawn died.  We know each other only through our writings.  Yet, her faithful notes through email often lift me when the day is filled with gloom.  She was inspired last December when I wrote about Lemon Grass Tea and sent me her own journal entry from that time period this week.  I read my voice in hers.  In the hollow space between the words I see myself and wonder how she can read my mind.  I want to borrow her expressions as they are both powerful and strong. 

It is the eve of Shawn’s death.  Tomorrow marks two years.  Her writing is timely.  She explains my heart.

"We were created to share life in relationship, where, ideally, all of the little pieces fit together. I have many friends... each knows a little piece of my life intimately... but I have found that I cannot share all things with any one of them. There are secrets kept from each... it leaves something larger to be longed for... a finished and shared knowing of who and what I am. I want someone here... in time and space... someone I can touch and hold and be part of. I have been alone for such a long time... even though this possibility is closer than ever, it is just that - a possibility. I am left to haggle and negotiate with God, who alone knows all of the secrets, longings, needs and desires of my heart. I more often turn to HIM in my desperation and pain.  Tonight I think of you, lost in the memory of something very real... and me, lost in dreams of what I most desperately wish would be." -m.

Sculpture

Why is now the best time to express love?  Because you don’t know how long you will have the opportunity.  Circumstances change.  People die.  Children grow up.  You have no guarantee of tomorrow.  If you want to express love, you had better do it now.  –The Purpose Driven Life

I received a proclamation from the City of Lino Lakes stating that every September 12th in their town is declared Shawn Silvera Day.  This year to honor my husband the city is dedicating a rock sculpture created by artist Peter Maraliis in the new town center greens area. 

The sculptor has taken five large boulders and designed them to represent the loss of Shawn’s life with one of the boulders intricately split down the center.  Meant to be touched, he has polished another boulder into a bench for people to use as a place of reflection.  His vision is that people of all ages will take the symbolism from the artwork to mean something singly significant to them.  It is his hope that the memorial will move people to remember the beauty of what was lost while making something beautiful with their own precious lives.  Engraved in the stone are words special to both Shawn and I:  “Don’t Wait For Tomorrow!  Be Here Now.”

I am deeply honored by the insight and kindness of both the sculptor and City Council of Lino Lakes to pay tribute to Shawn in such a life-breathing way.  It is a detailed expression of love, reaching out to the larger community.  It reminds each of us to share ourselves now.  I don't believe we can ever be reminded enough.