Jennifer's Writings

A Comfortable Compliment

Jordan told me this week, “You’re adorable, Mom!  You’re so pretty!  Your hair is so pretty.  You look like a goldfish.”

I was wondering if that was a compliment.

His creative mind makes me smile.

We compliment and smile with those we feel comfortable.  I am finding it is harder and harder to be vulnerable.  Harder to share myself with the world when I’d rather just share myself with Shawn.

I don’t have an answer today.  Even as I write, I am completely perplexed.  When will life feel comfortable again?

I Can’t See Tomorrow

God never wastes a hurt! –Rick Warren

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT)

My cousin called last night to talk. Her mom died this past February and we shared back and forth the depth of grief, both agreeing we wished we didn’t know such heavy loss at such young ages. 

She commented, “I feel so much older now.”

I knew exactly what she meant. 

She continued to ask me questions that I knew she didn’t expect me to answer.

“I can’t see my future,” she told me. “What comes next? I can’t even see tomorrow.”

Her comments were thought-provoking.  How true it was for me as well.  I can not see my future.  And that is frightening in a way.  Living in the moment is my only guarantee.  But, how vastly different is this method of living from what I was accustomed.  I am a planner.  I am an organizer.  I am a forward-thinker.  I am a goal-setter.  I like to know where I am going.  To live in the now, changes me.  It changes who I thought I was. 

Honestly, I couldn’t see my future when Shawn was alive, either.  Still, someone knowing I walked into the future with him, made the whole idea of tomorrow more secure.  As long as I was with him, I didn’t fear the plans I was making.  Any plan with him seemed good. 

But, now I know what my cousin is talking about.  I can’t see tomorrow.  And for the first time in my life I am being asked to truly trust what I can’t see.

Upside Down Day

Only you can be you.…if you don’t make your unique contribution….it won’t be made.” –Rick Warren; The Purpose Driven Life

I’m having an upside down day.  One that takes a little more to get through than I am finding in myself to give.

“Look, Mom!” Jordan told me pointing at a coloring sheet. “It’s Elmo’s phone number!  Sesame Street dot org and Sesame Street dot com.” 

I smiled at his informative tone.

“Mom,” he continued, “I feel ‘licorice-y and poplar-ishy’”

I raised my eyebrows, uncertain at what he was trying to tell me.  He could tell I needed interpretation. 

“Like licorice and lollipops,” he explained.

“Oh,” I replied as if it was all making sense now.  “And how does that feel?”

“It feels like you are eating a lollipop,” he said. “It feels good.”

I nodded with a grin.

Only Jordan would come up with that.  Only Jordan can be Jordan.

I asked my kids what they wanted for breakfast and Madelynn announced, “Candy!” She had a few extra treats visiting her great grandparents this past weekend.

With eyes that look like lemon-drops, she added, “That’s an idea, Mom!”

“Oh, yes, Miss Maddi,” I responded. “That certainly is an idea!”

Only Madelynn can be Madelynn.

We had popcorn for breakfast.  My kids definitely know how to negotiate.  After all the talk about candy, popcorn sounded like an amazingly better option.  I know I fell for the trick. 

Secret Gate

"Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate." -J.R.R. Tolkien, novelist

I am taking my kids on a road trip to see their great grandma this weekend.  I think anytime we plan a trip for ourselves there are unexpected treasures.  As a new friend told me this week--the only two things that matter in this life are relationships and experiences.  Sometimes I need to be reminded.  Being together matters.  I think that is the entrance to the secret gate.

Do Try

It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it frankly and try another.  But, above all, try something.  -Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945), 32nd U.S. President

So much of what I try seems to fail lately.  Let’s see—where does my list begin? 

• Trying to lose ten pounds.
• Trying to make it to music practice with childcare coverage.
• Trying to stay positive.
• Trying not to compare my situation to those around me.
• Trying to let go of perfectionism.
• Trying to let go of impressing others.
• Trying to let go of worrying about what others think.
• Trying to enjoy my kids when they are spilling popcorn seeds all over the floor.
• Trying to remember the joy of Shawn not the sadness of his absence.
• Trying to accept my life more than just grow accustomed to it.

If I would have written his entry yesterday it would have probably ended here.  But, today is not yesterday and thankfully after seven consecutive hours of sleep, I feel a bit strengthened.

I have found it to be true that the best therapy for loss is to do something with the grief. Nearly anything is better than nothing.  Of course, I am speaking of healthy engagements versus abusive “fixes” such as drinking, over-eating, sleep deprivation, drugs, obsessive shopping, etc.)  And I also don’t advocate becoming busy or over-committed just for the sake of filling up one’s schedule.  Doing something could be as simple as making a cup of coffee. 

Without a set plan, this is how my day began:

• I exercised this morning.
• My mom offered to stay with my kids Thursday night for me to attend music practice.
• I read Mr. Roosevelt’s quote above and felt inspired.
• Today I am thinking about my story and not someone else’s appearance of a better story.
• Today my desk is a mess with mail and such, and I am choosing to journal anyway.
• These first five accomplishments impress me.
• I am not worried about who else I need to impress today.
• Maddi attempted to sweep the popcorn and Jordan put the bowl in the dishwasher. That I enjoyed.
• I dreamt last night of Honduras and Shawn. He was real for the minutes he appeared. What joy!
• Acceptance is a big word for me.  I think nine out of ten tries is good for today.  I am okay with this one staying on the list for awhile longer.

So back to the theory.  Do something.  Try something.  Do try.

What Do We Live For

"What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" -Mary Ann Evans (pen name George Eliot; 1819-1880), novelist

Tonight a friend told me she lost her job.  In tears she explained how her self worth had been wrapped up in her profession and I could see the visible distress of loss, confusion and severe disappointment with life on her face.

She excused herself and said, "But, it's nothing like losing a husband."

"That doesn't make it any less horrible for you, " I told her.  "Your passion was in your work--I think anytime we lose our passion, we grieve heavily the loss."

Since turning in my book, I have felt a new sweep of depression.  A time of overwhelming hurt with new cycles of loss.  One of the crazy pieces to writing a book is that I want to share it with the very person I am writing about.  I want to show Shawn my "masterpiece" and feel his approval more than any other's.  I want to get his opinion, have him edit the words or offer to type a few pages of his own. 

Yes, indeed--losing passion is a passionate loss.

All the more proof to me that we need each other.

Ratatouille

“Humans don’t just survive—they discover and create!" –Ratatouille, Disney/Pixar animated rat who wants to be a chef.

Being human—very human--I hope in my life to do more than just survive.  There are plenty of days filed away in a box labeled survival.  How much richer to create the best I have to offer and discover that love always trumps death.   

Sushi and Sisters

Tonight I went out for Sushi with my sister, Cindy.  My neighbor girl babysat for Jordan and Madelynn.  Before making my kids their own version of fine dining (macaroni and cheese), she took them to the park.

When I came home at the end of the night, the babysitter (we'll call her Babysitter A for the sake of the story) gave me an overview of my children's behavior--including details from the park outing. It appeared that Maddi spotted a different girl at the playground with a group of friends (this is someone we recently met and discovered has her certificate for babysitting from the YMCA--we've been planning a date for her to babysit sometime soon for the first time at our home--we'll call her Babysitter B.)

Well...Babysitter B "pushed" one of her friends that was standing nearby in a circle.  (As she was relaying the story, Babysitter A quickly  explained to me that the preteen-girls were playing and the "push" was done in jest.) When Maddi witnessed the interaction she marched up to Babysitter B, pointed her little finger in reprimand and said, "Don't push! You push? You not coming to us house!"

Babysitter B tried to make clear to Maddi that it was just a little joke with her friends.  At this point Jordan stepped up, crossed his arms over his chest and said, "Maddi, stand behind me."  Then looking at Babysitter B he asked, "What did you say to my sister?"

Babysitter A found the entire exchange endearing as Jordan came immediately to his sister's defense.  Luckily, Babysitter B was also amused (we need to stay friends with our babysitters!).

It reminded me of yesterday when a service-tech came to our home to clean the air-vents.  This hadn't been done since the house was constructed.  When he arrived, Maddi squared him up and down and then said with a giggle, "It's kinda busy around here."  He joined in her exuberant laugh.

She's honest, straightforward and somehow finds a way for it all to come out sweet.  And just in case it doesn't, Jordan will cross his arms and clarify.

The Delight of Deadline Day

I sent my manuscript to the publisher today!  I 've been concentrating so hard on the deadline that I never really thought about what the day of the deadline would feel like.  If anything, I thought I would feel relief.  It's more.  I'm elated!  It was exciting to tell the Office Max assistant and the post office lady and the random guy behind me in line that I wrote a book! 

When I showed Jordan our copy of the manuscript I told him, "This is our book!"  The abstract project I had been telling my kids about for months was finally in our hands!

Thumbing through the black spiral bound copy made on standard white paper, he replied, "Show me the pictures."

I explained this book didn't have any yet, but hopefully we will put some in the middle of the final book for people to see daddy and our family.

I wrote a book! 

And someday I hope that book will help someone else who is walking through a lonely road of hurt.

If you're reading (of course you're reading!)--thanks for sharing in this journey with me.  I am thrilled to share this piece of it with you. 

Jennifer's book is scheduled to release January 2009.