Jennifer's Writings

The World Inside of Us

The last week of school Jordan brought home a colored-pencil drawing. The entire page was sketched with a purple sky and a mom and two kids standing next to each other with sad faces. In the upper left hand corner there was God. He was orange. And next to God was an angel. He was gray. In the lower right hand corner was daddy, lying on the ground with his police hat next to him.

I asked Jordan to explain the picture to me, "We listened to music in music class that was very sad and the teacher said we had to draw a picture of it. At first I was going to draw a picture of Jesus on the cross, but then I decided to draw the day daddy died."

We were at church last week and filled out prayer request cards. Jordan handed his to me and it said, "Please help me to feel better."

I asked him if his tummy hurt, thinking that must be what he meant. He told me he felt fine. He wanted to feel better because his dad died. Six years later and it still hurts.

We've been reading a book this summer called, "A Fish Named Ed" by Sam Oliver. It's a workbook about grief and loss for kids. The book is about a little fish who loses his mom when he is scooped out of a creek by a man with a net for the man's fish tank. At the end of the book Ed realizes he can never go back to the creek, but learns "that the world he lived in and the world inside him--had changed him."

It feels like a big concept for little kids--the world inside of us. There are pages in the book for my kids to draw their life before loss and after loss. Jordan drew a picture of our family of four. Shawn was holding onto a heart shaped balloon with a bubble above his head that said, "Yeah." Jordan told me, "Daddy is saying, 'yeah' because it's his best day ever."

Madelynn's picture has seven people in it: Steven (Pops), Mommy, Jordan, Cajsa, Onie, Madelynn and Daddy (Shawn). Shawn has a huge heart drawn around his whole body. Maddi told me, "My life has many people in it...daddy is always in our hearts."

After reading the book and talking about daddy being gone, Madelynn said, "He's still here though."

"Where is he?" I asked.

"In the chair right next to you," Jordan told me.

"Yeah," Madelynn replied, and patting her chest said, "And he's here."

Loss is not the way I would have chosen for my kids to have a relationship with their dad. And I'm learning daily that they would have never chosen this path either. But, most of all I'm discovering that if we talk about it, deal with it and express our feelings honestly, my kids have a confidence about their dad and where he is. They have a secure feeling in their "world inside" about how much he loves them.

 

 

The Olden Days

Jordan has become an Indiana Jones groupie. He acquired the trilogy of Indiana Jones movies from a garage sale this summer. These epic movies about a 1930's American adventurer became popular during the 1980's. I must add these were not DVDs, the set came as VHS tapes. I had the humor of teaching my kids how to say "VCR" as we dusted off our Video Cassette Recorder from storage.

"Mom, were you alive in the 80's?" Jordan asked me.

"Yes," I told him. Why was I laughing when he was questioning my age?

"When were you born, Mom?

"The 70's."

"That's like the olden days," he said.

Wow! I always thought my parents were so much bigger than me, wiser than me, older than me. Now my kids think the same--now my kids think I'm old!

Olden days. Golden days. Summer is meant for these simple pleasures.

The Boring Stuff

Not every day is a fun day. I think I need to make this into a bumper sticker for six and seven-year-olds.

My kids would love if every day was a sleepover, a trip to the beach, a play-date with playmates, a weekend full of camping, S'mores and swimming. Kids are born with the talent to tattle when something isn't fun. Like the other day when Maddi told me, "It's not fun being the youngest."

"It isn't?" I asked, more rhetorical than expecting an answer, but with six-year-olds you usually get an answer.

"No," she replied, "I don't like that idea."

"What idea are you referring to exactly?" I asked.

"It's not fun going to bed first," she told me.

"And what would be fun, Madelynn?"

"Being the youngest and going to bed with the bigger kids is fun," she explained. "But, being the youngest you're still smart. My cousin Ian is four and he's smart."

Not every day is a fun day. So I deemed tonight: Stay-Up-As-Late-As-You-Want-And-Look-At-Books-Night. The youngest child fell asleep first, all on her own. But, I won't tell her. I don't want to spoil the fun.

Happy as a Seagull

Traveling north to Canada we stopped at a little shop called, "Cost-a-latte" to get a cappuccino, that you may have guessed...cost a lot. The sign above the register read, "Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry."

I told my kids that this should be our new family motto. I usually lecture them to have "happy hearts" but think I may opt for the "seagull with a french fry" example as a good visual aid.

Our trip was filled with funny family moments and kids quotes that would even make a seagull smile (but, hopefully not drop that french fry!) Here are a few:

A few miles into our trip Jordan asked, "How many minutes or hours until we reach our destination?" He then followed this comment with, "We shoulda got everything done by yesterday--then we'd be in Canada by now."

Pointing to a sign on the road Onie said to Jordan, "Look!" He replied, "What, Onie! Do you think I have eyes or something?" She was quick to inform him, "Jordan, you do have eyes!"

Steven told us a story in the car about a repair man. Someone asked how old the guy was and Steven said, "He's old...probably about 54." Onie chirped up, "Dad! That's not old! That's only ten years older than you!"

We spent our first night at a hotel and arrived quite late. I carried a half-asleep little Maddi inside and tucked her into a sleeping bag. No one was talking when she sat up and said, "Can we sleep right now and talk in the van tomorrow?"

In the morning Jordan said, "I had a hard night's day."

Sleeping on hard hotel beds, Cajsa said, "This bed's a rockin!"

At the border Jordan said, "They better not take any of us."

To all my happy readers: Here's wishing you a "seagull with a french fry" kinda day!

 

 

 

Beauty

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it. ” -Ivan Panin

We just returned from a week long trip to Canada with our family. Traveling is one of the best ways to experience, explore and express beauty. The most beautiful part of all is to share what you value and treasure with others. 

 

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I don't write down everything my kids say to me, but I write down a lot of our conversations because of the simple, hidden lessons they hold that remind me how to live, love and laugh.

*    *     *

Yesterday Jordan asked me, "Hey Mom, how many years have I lived with you?"

"All seven," I told him.

*    *     *

"Mom, I have an idea! How about you lay down on the driveway and I'll trace you with chalk?" Maddi asked me today.

"But, what if I get all dirty?" I said.

"It's okay, Mom...it wipes off and you know how to do laundry."

*    *     *

Yelling out the patio door to his friend, Jordan said, "I'll be right out to play, Kyle...I just have two more consequences before I earn time to go outside."

Kyle yelled back, "What are they?"

Jordan replied, "I don't know, but I gotta do them before I can come out."

*    *     *

"Your attitude today has been negative, Jordan," I said to my overly-tired little boy.

"What does negative mean?" he asked me.

"Well, it means grumpy, whiny, ornery, irritable." I replied, my list could have gone on and on.

"Like sad and mad?" Maddi asked.

"That would be S-M-A-D!" Jordan said--impressed with his own word invention he added, "We need to teach Cajsa and Onie our new word!"

"Yes," Maddi replied, "Sad and mad all mixed together!"

*    *     *

What has your child, grandchild, niece or nephew said this week that is worth writing down? Take a minute to jot down their wisdom. It will not only make you smile, it will help remind you of the simple treasures they teach you.

 

 

 

 

Second Chances

Last week Steven and I were on Kare 11 with a news story about our family. If you missed it, we'd love to share our message of hope with you (click on the link highlighted above about Kare 11). Since the story aired, I have heard from a handful of people who have dealt with severe tragedy in their lives saying that stories of hope are what kept them going.

The story is titled Second Chances. A fitting title, I believe, as so many of us need second chances in our lives for many reasons. Not only major life changes involving second chances, but sometimes small second chances that happen daily --a second chance at forgiveness, a second chance to wake up on the right side of the bed, a second chance at a decision you made.

The key is not how many chances you get, the key is taking the chance when it is in front of you.

 

Change a Child's Life

Leap and the net will appear. –Zen Proverb

One of my readers sent me information about the Fresh Air fund, a not-for-profit agency providing kids with a breath of fresh air.

THE FRESH AIR FUND has provided free summer vacations to more than 1.7 million New York City children from low-income communities since 1877. Nearly 10,000 New York City children enjoy free Fresh Air Fund programs annually. In 2010, close to 5,000 children visited volunteer host families in suburbs and small town communities across 13 states from Virginia to Maine and Canada.

The reward? Sharing the simple things and seeing the smile it brings.

If you are interested in hosting a child or have a friend who may be interested, please pass along the information. The Fresh Air Fund is still looking for 1200 families to make two week commitments to host children this summer.

Change a child’s life in two weeks. It can happen!

Visit www.freshairfundhost.org/multimedia to watch the touching story of Brandon Mendoza and the McKnight family.

Passport

American Express sent a credit card application to my deceased husband. I know these are computer generated and they don't know any different, still receiving it in the mail is now mildly or should I say morbidly amusing where once these oversights could send me into a daze of grief for days.

This particular ad is for the Blue Sky program, promising unlimted travel choices with no travel restrictions (I think Shawn already has some of those perks.)

The advertisement looks like a copy of an airline ticket and is addressed as a special offer to Mr. Shawn SIlvera. I'd love to write back and let them know the offer he was given. There is a spot in the upper right hand corner that reads: Destinations--Anywhere, Worldwide and in big, bold, red-font lettering the word FREE! I guess they have that part correct.

There are guarantees on the bottom of the ticket for no blackout dates, no advance purchase requirements, no expiration date on points, no seat restrictions and no travel restrictions. I think Shawn would laugh at this propaganda. And I love the part about no annual fee.

The Blue Sky card claims to give you free flights, free stays, free trips and free travel packages. What a deal when you are flying all the way to heaven!

The attached letter brags about their premium benefits and freedom to go wherever you want whenever you want. In fact, there is a promise to get a response in as little as 60 seconds or less. Of course, do not wait...there is an expiration date.

I thought about contacting American Express to correct the situation, but decided to save my time, toss the American Express passport in my recycling bin and let the whole thing humor me in an odd, crazy, make-the-most-of-today sorta way.

 

 

 
 
 
 



 

 

Find the Amazing

Kids are amazing. They find value in the most simple things and explain life with more clarity than some of the greatest philosophers. Most of all they keep my days filled with unpredictable conversation and amusement.

Jordan is a stick collector. The corner of our garage is stacked with sticks of all shapes, sizes and purposes. We can't throw any away, because you never know when you need a good stick. I remember hiking during one of our travels when Jordan's walking stick fell into a little creek. Bummed out he told me, "Well, that's okay...there are more sticks in the rain forest."

How do kids have the knack to say things that make such simple sense?

Maybe kids see the world with kid-sense. And when things don't seem sensible they let you know. Like the other day when Jordan was explaining a long story from school and Maddi shook her head and told him, "This does not get sense." That was the same day it rained from breakfast time to bedtime and she called it a drippy-drop day. I know I will use that phrase again when things just aren't adding up.

My favorite conversation took place this weekend on a road trip to my grandma's house to celebrate my parents 40th wedding anniversary. We were having a better than drippy-drop-day, chattering in the car, listeng to music and eating beef jerky and cheese sticks. Suddenly Jordan asks,"How do a boyfriend and girlfriend meet?"

His three sisters chuckle and he continues, "Does a guy see a girl at a restaurant and think she's beautiful and a girl sees a guy and thinks he's handsome and then they marry?"

"Well...that's kinda how it goes," I say. "Except, they don't necessarily marry right away."

"No, I don't mean like the next day," he replys, "I mean a few weeks later."

Steven jumps in and comments, "Well, yeah, Jordan...that could happen. First they form a relationship and talk and get to know each other and then they marry later."

"Yeah, that's what I mean..." Jordan answers, "...like seventeen days later."

I just smile. Kids like things exact. Sometimes there are no other answers.

Pointing out the window at a small town park Jordan asks, "Could we stop there and see if we could find anything amazing?" Before I can say anything he adds, "Are there stolen carparts over there?"

The conversation always keeps me guessing. But, one thing is sure--each day is amazing.

 

Watching Over Us

My husband, Steven, lost his father at the age of twenty-four. The airplane accident that took his father's life was tragic and unexpected. Steven relates to my kids in a way I can't, he has lost a parent and immediately they have a connection.

The three of them were hanging out one day having lunch.

"Did you make this, Papa-Poo?" Maddi asked Steven, pointing to her plate.

"The cottage cheese?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, "It's very good."

Taking the compliment with a grin, Steven posed the question, "What're our Dads doing do ya think?"

Jordan replied, "They're doing their work."

"What work?" Steven asked him.

"Watching over us," Jordan said, "Steve's dad got a new plane that would never crash and my dad got a new hat...a new police hat."

Madelynn added, "I think my dad is with your dad in the airplane."

It was more than Steven expected. Watching over us. What amazing work. What a great place to fly around and wear a new hat.

 

It All Counts

"Our work is a feeling that cannot be purchased or borrowed or manufactured.  The only way to get this feeling is to actually dedicate yourself to a difficult task; to dedicate yourself to something greater than yourself; to literally do whatever it takes." -Admission Possible CEO

My sister recently accepted a position with Admission Possible. Take a look at their website. This non-profit organization has an impressive mission to make college admission and success possible for low-income students.

How often in our lives are we willing to do the difficult in order to be the difference?

Find something today that encourages you to make a difference. I'm pretty confident that in the end each and every small or big action on our part matters.  It all counts.

A Delivery

A delivery came today.

A surprise delivery.

Two light pink roses in the center of fresh cut garden flowers.

A bouquet from my husband.

While he is out of town.

They remind me that he likes when we are together more than when we are apart. Of course, that is probably the way it should be, but I know not every relationship works that way.

This is a very nice surprise for the middle of the day.

Wishing you a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. It always feels good to be remembered. May we remember all those we love--those we see every day and those we miss every day.

 

 

Patience

"Someone rolled their eyes at me at school today," Jordan reported at suppertime.

"Why did they do that?" I asked. "Do you know what rolling your eyes at someone usually means?"

"It means don't do that or your eyes will get stuck in your head," Maddi told us.

"I don't know," Jordan replied. "But, I didn't tell the teacher...lucky for them."

Rolling our eyes, checking our watch, tapping the table--signs of impatience. Even at a young age, our human nature tells us we don't like to wait.

Patience comes from the Latin word meaning "suffering." Being patient means suffering through present troubles waiting to see hope break in.

I think a lot of times when the word is used we are referring to short amounts of time. "Help me to be patient [today]." "God grant me patience [this hour]."

I sing a song to my kids, "Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry...[for this moment]."

I think patience is usually a companion for a longer road. A journey through grief, a walk to mending a relationship, continuous steps to create a new habit.

Think with me this weekend: Where do I need to practice patience? What area of my life am I trying to hurry along pretending to be patient when I really am not? Am I willing to let patience teach me a lesson this summer even if it takes longer than I had hoped?

Don't roll your eyes. Be honest. Otherwise Jordan may just tell his teacher. Or according to Madelynn you may run the risk of getting your eyes stuck.

Crossing the Finish Line

My parents completed their 250 mile bike ride this past week in Washington, D.C. My mother-in-law, Bonnie, and I had the privilege to see them cross the finish line. What an exhilerating accomplishement.

My mom hugged me and said, "Jennifer, when I didn't think I could make it any longer I'd think of Shawn and his sacrifice and tell myself that my pain is nothing like what he endured for our safety. That kept me going."

How beautiful, the strength of the human spirit. My parents set out on a challenge. They hoped to complete their goal, but couldn't be certain. They crossed the finish line with renewed spirits. They conquered their quest. They achieved what they set out to do.

I'm inspired.

I hope this inspires you to take a challenge this summer. Try something you never thought you could do. Find a reason to keep going. Cross your finish line!

  

Now is Right on Time

“Your journey has molded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” -Asha Tyson

Do I really believe this? Do I really believe that now is right on time? It seems like tomorrow is what continually looks more attractive. Tomorrow I will start my diet. Tomorrow I will do laundry. Tomorrow I will make that phone call.

I read this quote aby Alexandra Stoddard that says, "What we do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows.”

The cake I eat today pushes my diet back until tomorrow. The procrastination I allow today keeps items on my list for tomorrow. The phone call I put off, puts another day's distance in a relationship that may not be around tomorrow.

Now is not only right on time, in many cases now is the best time.

Coconut Joy

The simple things in life are the best things in life.

Like eating "Coconut Joy" ice cream in Taylor's Falls on Mother's Day.

Like going on a paddleboat ride down the St. Croix River.

Like opening a wilted plant that my kids wrapped in a box three days ago as a surprise.

There are plenty of things in life that aren't so simple.

Internet goes down. A project at work takes ten hours instead of five. Calendar is busy even when trying to keep it unbusy. Unexpected stomach bug dampers daily motivation and mood. Kids whining. Friend decides to stop talking to you.

Where is joy? In the simple things. Joy is in the very simple things.

Storms

"He calms the storm so that its waves are still." - Psalm 107:29

This verse woke me up today.

There is no greater storm than grief.

I continue to receive letters from those who have read my book, many who are in the middle of their own dark storms.

There is no greater rest from grief than being still--without having to answer to anyone, fulfill any obligation, explain yourself or basically do anything. It is the rest that comes from giving yourself permission to feel the hurt and let your heart quietly absorb it--even though that generally hurts more...at least it's an honest hurt and an honest place for healing to start.

What storm in your life needs calming today? I have a list that seems to be growing. Maybe today is the day a few of the treacherous waves will break. Track your storms. Track the waves. Trust the One who can bring the calm.

When Life's Not Working

What better thing to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon than read. I'm delving into Pastor Bob Merritt's newly released title, "When Life's Not Working--7 Simple Choices for a Better Tomorrow." His writing is clear with vivid, easy to relate to examples.

One fun delight is that Pastor Bob writes about my story with Shawn and my new chapter about meeting Steven. I am honored to be included in his book under Chapter 7, "Have Barbed-Wire Discipline," which focuses on perseverance.

Pastor Bob states that, "Life is hard--for everyone," with the hope that "the best is yet to come." Rain or shine everyone can use a little hope like that.

To Beth

I saw your comment posted a couple of days ago.

I can't find your email to respond personally, so I will write for the whole world to see:

You need to know that what happened to you isn't fair. There is no explanation to why you lost your best friend at such a young age. There will never be a good enough answer to all the "whys" that envelop your thoughts. Why must your kids live without their father? Why must you do this all alone? None of it, and I mean none of it, makes sense.

You also need to know that my faith wavers daily. I trust God, but I don't always agree with him. I don't understand this world and its ways. Truly, what keeps me going is hope. I heard someone once ask, "What is life without hope?" Dismal would be the answer.

I am praying for you today that God gives you one small sign of hope. I pray that in someway, somehow he touches your heart. Because here is what I believe above all else, God grieves with you. He is also saying, "This isn't fair." And though we'd like Him to change it all, the results of an imperfect world will never be fair, will never answer all of our questions, will never fulfill us completely.

Life is not about being strong enough. Faith is not about being strong enough. Life and faith are about hoping enough. And I am sending you every ounce of hope that I have today.

Clear and Connected

"Butterfinger, Oh...how I missed you," my son said as he enjoyed this creamy candy after an egg hunt on Saturday. I think this is the first time my child has even tried a Butterfinger, but the pure joy of eating chocolate again put him in a dreamy state.

I love that Jordan gave up chocolate to help me with my lenten sacrifice and Maddi gave up peanut butter to give up something like her brother.

As I'm writing today, I'm having a chocolate flavored coffee that we bought on our Familymoon in Costa Rica. It is rich. Definitely a treat. Funny thing, though, after not drinking coffee for 40 days I don't crave it like I used to. It isn't a necessity like it once was.

It makes me think about all those little things in life we believe we must have. I need that pair of boots. I will just buy that book instead of going to the library. We really should have that new boat. I can't live without my coffee.

Isn't it true that when our wants and even some of our needs are taken away we are able to connect more clearly with life and with ourselves? What is something you would like to clean out of your life today? Maybe try it for 24 hours and see what happens. Experience life a little more clear and connected.

The Greatest Truth

If I could reach across this page and talk to you face to face I would tell you this greatest truth.

If I could someone touch you through all our newfound technology and sit with you in your living room, I would tell you this greatest truth.

If I could go out for coffee with you and sit across the table, I would tell you this greatest truth.

God is real and alive and here.

Twenty-four hours after Shawn’s death, I cried out to God asking if he was true, did he really exist or was he just a feel good story? The overwhelming, soothing sense spread around me like a covering of warm blankets. Even with fists shaking upward my spirit heard God say, I am real and I am alive and I am here. The message could not have been clearer or louder even if it had been audible.

This same message is the greatest truth spoken today. God is real and alive and here.

If I could be with you this Easter Sunday I would not let the day pass without telling you.

This Good Friday

"Life will never pass you by as long as you’re doing exactly what you want to be doing." -Virtual Moxie

I read a blog this week that is so well written and thought provoking that I couldn't say its message better even if I spent all day and night and week and year trying. Anastacia Brice interviewed me last week for a VA class she coaches online and she writes about one of the topics we covered in our conversation--living the life you are meant to live.

What inspired me most about her post was the encouragement and permission to trust yourself and your life. Often we compare ourselves to others and discredit our own journey, path or style. I loved the quote she shared by Colum McCann, "People think they know the mystery of living in your skin. They don't. There's no one who knows except the person who carts it around her own self."

Good Friday is a perfect day to reflect. Take time today to read Anastacia's blog. Take time to listen to your heart. Take time.

 

For those interested in a peaceful retreat setting, I recommend the Journey Inn in Maiden Rock, WI, where I stayed last weekend.

The Gradual Way

"An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day". -Henry David Thoreau

My retreat weekend was like mixing a spa with a monastary. Time filled with massage, yoga, devotions and prayer, I returned home with soothing peace. I wish everyone could take 48 hours to be more mindful of life.

During the weekend, I spent one morning climbing a large, weedy hill. To be honest it was more of a crawl. My biggest mistake? Going straight up.

I've been though enough coaching to know that most obstacles are in our minds. My pep talks accompanied my craziness, don't give up, persevere, you are stronger than you think. However, this strategy only works to a point and when I found myself scaling perpendicular rocks, many of which were loose and sliding, I discovered a great truth--falling rocks are falling rocks. I was stuck. A knees shaking, arms clenching, grab anything within reach type of stuck. It was my sister who rescued me with her own step-by-step pep talks, bringing me back to safety.

How true is this to my life? The shortest, quickest route (going straight up) is not always the smartest option. Record time does not equate record living. In fact, the shortest, quickest climb up the hill caused me to abandon my goal. The gradual, steady-goes-the-coarse, one-step-at-a-time path eventually gets us to where we want to go. It may feel like we are winding back and forth, wasting time, never getting anywhere. Still the likelihood of making it to the top is statistically higher than going any other way.

On our descent my sister and I zig-zagged sideways towards a lone birch tree, growing amidst many pine. Here we noticed the hill to have a more gradual slope and decided to tackle the climb again. Reaching the top, we sat peering over the valley below.

The cozy cabin with a barn-red garage puffed smoke out its chimney. The remarkable aerial view was like flying overhead in a hang glider. I imagined the other women inside preparing a homemade brunch and how soon I would be joining them. I'd try my best to explain our climb through the bristle, but it wouldn't be the same as if they made the crawl themselves. One bit of advice would be certain, take the gradual way. This is the best way to go.

Reflection

“We can choose to be affected by the world or we can choose to affect the world. ” Heidi Wills

My sisters invited me on a retreat this weekend to carve out some time for quiet and reflection. I don't think it was planned this way, but I find it fitting that our time together begins the week before Easter.

As a family we are honoring Easter this year by taking our children to the North Heights production of their passion play called "All Things New." Another fitting connection for me as this phrase was our New Year's theme symbolizing our new beginning as a family.

You may not have a free weekend, free day or even what feels like a free minute between now and when the Easter bunny visits. Still, I hope you will carve out an hour between now and then to ponder the words and meaning of sacrafice, new life and hope!

More of the Merrier

"Are you absolutely crazy?" my friend asked when I told her we were considering hosting an exchange student. In fact, basically eveyone I have shared my idea with has had a similar response. My sister was the most blunt and asked, "Do you always need a project? I think it would be wise to slow down and adjust to your new married, mom-of-four-children life."

They are probably all correct.

Still, I could not say no. Jhon, a language ambassador from Colombia works at my children's school. He is one of seven other ambassadors working here for a year. Wanting a change of scenery, Jhon needed a place to stay for his final three months in Minnesota.

Why did I say yes? Because I needed a change of scenery, too.

One could argue that my already quite full life has enough change in it. Still, the Spanish-speaking adventurer in me, wanted to say yes. Having an exchange student is like visiting another country without ever having to pack your suitcase or leave home.

Another bonus, all four of our children attend language emmersion schools. Already in one short week, I can tell that my kids look to Jhon as a big brother and are chatting away in a second language, delighted to share their space with someone else.

My number one reason? I have traveled to many places and been welcomed by many people. I want to live that same way--extending myself, living out of my comfort zone, sharing what I have, being a hostess, serving where needed.

Yes, it is true that I work on many projects. And it is true that those projects energize and motivate me. And if I'm honest, my projects can also be a weakness, a crazy need to always be "working on something". Even postive "somethings" come bundled with stress.

But, what I know about meeting Jhon is that he is not a project, he is a person. I want to connect with his mission. He is a person that is giving greatly to our community and I want to repay the gesture.

This morning I made Jhon a cup of coffee and teased, "This is better than Starbucks."

With a smirk, Jhon nodded and asked, "Did you know that Starbucks uses Colombian coffee?"

"No wonder it's so good," I replied.

Then Jhon said, "And in Colombia I never see one Starbucks!"

Steven and I laughed. Funny how the world works. Sometimes you find more of the merrier sharing a simple cup of coffee whether at Starbucks, in Colombia or at home. I think the merriment comes from making a connection.

Make a connection or two this weekend and I guarantee you will find a little more of the merrier side of life.

 

The More the Merrier

As if four children, a step-guinea pig, a new husband and giving up chocolate for 40 days wasn't enough, there are a couple of new additions to the Silvera-Lindemer family.

Dewey, Steven's cockatiel, moved in with us this month. A faithful friend for over ten years, this bird has been good company to my husband. Steven adopted Dewey from a pet store when the owner couldn't find anyone else interested in Dewey because of a lame foot. Steven wanted Dewey to have a chance.

When we got married, Dewey moved in with Steven's brother and sister-in-law. The idea of inheriting two pets when I was only accustomed to our Beta fish, Blue Nemo, seemed a bit overboard for me.

Then in March, Steven's brother and family left for a trip and Dewey needed a babysitter. One day Steven came home with a large bird cage, bird inside, and told me, "It's just for two weeks." Not wanting to create a fuss as a new bride I thought to myself, one can do anything for two weeks, right?

A few days into Dewey's stay, I came home one afternoon greeted by a whistle, the kind of whistle a guy gives a girl when he thinks she's cute. "Whoo-hoo," Dewey repeated over and over. My head darted, forgetting anyone was home. Realizing it was Dewey, I was first relieved and then flattered that this bird would welcome me to my own home and compliment my looks!

As Dewey became comfortable, I started to hear all his lovely tricks, whistling the tune of Jingle Bells and singing the Twin's cheering song, "Da-da-da-da-da-da....Charge!" He can also imitate my husband's voice and how he answers the phone.

It is tough for me, this non-pet chick, to admit that Dewey is growing on me. He's good company. Stay tuned this Friday for more of the merrier!

 

 

A Good Age to Love

"This is what we have been called to: to love God and then out of that love to love people." -Stacia Bergeron

There is no good age to die.

Death is one of the few realities that push my emotions to such extremes, holding both fear and love. How can those two things exist at the same time? It's like loving to splash in the ocean until you see the vastness of the horizon that never ends and begin to panic at how this same warm and salty water could swallow you up. The fear isn't so much wondering if I will sink as it is about having the endurance to swim.

Shawn's uncle died this month and I attended the funeral in Canada with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law. Uncle Herman was one of those people who had the rare ability to encourage you and to motivate you to take a look at your own life simply by being around his life.

At the funeral I watched all those who loved him, especially his wife, Auntie Pat. They were married for 58 years. Inseperable, is how people described them. Auntie Pat told me, "There is no good age to die." I must agree.

Still I won't deny, a human bond is created out of death, like no other. Our love is realized when we reach out to a hurting heart. And it makes me think that there is always a good age to love. 

Ski Time

Our family went skiing together for the first time on Saturday. Steven is an impressive ski racer and his girls could ski nearly before they could walk. For Jordan and Maddi it was a first time experience. I will say this was my first time skiing as well. I could tell you about my one high school incident where I skied into a parked car, but we won't count that time. Needless to say, my ski lesson with my ski-racing husband was all about learning how to stop.

"Make a pizza," he told me as I pushed my skis outward into a snowplow position. This was the command most of the day. The "French Fry" position of skiing straight down the hill didn't seem to be in my best interest. The snakes were my favorite, zigzagging back and forth down the powdery snow. I think Steven should write a book, "All I Really Need to Know about Skiing I learned in Kindergarten." Stop, take turns on the magic carpet (vehicle up the bunny hill), no pushing on the rope pull, help someone when they fall down, go to the bathroom BEFORE you put on your snow pants!

My favorite part of the day? Skiing with Steven's brother and sister-in-law and their kids. A day to be with family, what better blessing does a day hold? It makes me think of a letter a dear friend of mine wrote to her family after losing her husband unexpectedly last May:

I ask that each of you join me in taking an inventory of the loved ones in your lives. Please treasure your spouse, your family, and friends. Treat each person as they are, a gift from God. Choose your words carefully as you never know if they will be your last. Cling to God’s love and grace, it is the one thing we can truly be sure of. Dwell on what you have, not what you don’t have. Allow God to reveal his blessings to you each day.

Our ski day was a blessing. No one fell down, no one got hurt, we stayed until the place closed. Jordan asked, "What are we doing tomorrow? Can we come back?" Our night ended at the Pizza Pub eating taco pizza with wind-chapped cheeks and hearty appetites. Speaking of pizza, I'm ready to practice my pizza stance again soon!

The Lindemers go Skiing! Wild Mountain 2011

The Road to Hope

Have you ever been proud of your parents? Fully inspired by something they are doing that not the average parent would attempt?

That's how I feel about my mom and dad and their recent announcement to join the Law Enforcement United Bicycle Tour this upcoming May 2011. They will be riding 250 miles from Virginia to Washington, D.C. in honor of officers who have died in the line of duty. Proceeds from their ride go to Concerns of Police Survivors (COPs) and the Officer Down Memorial Page (ODMP).

Over 18,250 officers have lost their lives in the line of duty, nationwide. Of that number 213 have been from Minnesota and unfortunately in 2010 two more were added to that roster. My parents will ride in memory of my late husband, Shawn Silvera, who died September 6, 2005. Mom and Dad, I am humbled and uplifted by your ambition and dedication. 

My parents are raising $2500 for this cause. They are looking for 25 people to donate $25 each. Will you be one of those 25?  You can make a financial contribution to their ride by sending a tax-deductable check made out to: Law Enforcement United. Donations are due April 1st and may be sent to:

Road to Hope c/o BelieveNow, PO Box 62, Lino Lakes, MN 55014

Thank you for joining them in honoring our fallen heroes!

For more details please email me at jennifer@believenow.com

 

 

Still Lent

40 days is a long time. Especially when you give up something you really like.

Maddi asked me the other day, "Mom, can we give up anything we want?"

"Yep," I said, happy to give my child a boost of autonomy.

"Okay," she replied, "I'll give up peanut butter and school!"

I raised my eyebrows and she gave me her famous Maddi giggle, knowing she was being funny.

Let me encourage you today on your walk whether it be for Lent or simply getting through the day. Have a little fun with yourself. Give up something that is a challenge, something that will make you stronger. Give up something you don't like, rid yourself from that negative in your life (unless it is school, I'm sorry you must keep going....Madelynn!)

Dave Ramsey

Steven and I are taking a financial course at church by Dave Ramsey called, "Financial Peace University." I highly recommend this class to anyone who deals with money (all of us!) Whether single, married, widowed, divorced, a student or retired, this class has foundational truths that will help make a daily difference in how you view, save and spend money.

There are also great concepts in the class that can be used with kids. Steven and I started implementing some of these lessons in our home last weekend. We gave each child a set of jobs they could do to earn "commissions." These jobs are different than regular family chores that need to be done as contributing participants in the family. Such chores include doing dishes since we all eat, making our beds since we all sleep, folding laundry since we all wear clothes...I think you get the picture.

Some jobs are "extra" and the kids can earn a dollar for extra assignments (for a starting point they can each earn up to $5 every 2 weeks). Some of the extra jobs include cleaning Tater's guinea pig cage, cleaning Blue Nemo's fish bowl, vacuuming the house, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning out the truck.

On Sunday night we gave the kids five minutes to "check" their assignments before reviewing how much money they had earned. One of the stipulations is that all the regular family chores have to be met before there is potential to earn their added commissions (or bonus.) So, we announced that we would have a "five minute sweep," to give them one last chance before we checked their work.

Within seconds the kids scurried downstairs to make sure their bedroom was presentable, everyone that is except Maddi. She raced to the pantry and grabbed a broom and started sweeping the kitchen. Steven prodded her to go down with the other kids so she wouldn't miss out. That's when it all connected for me and I told him, "Look again, Steven, she's doing exactly what we asked. Maddi is doing a five minute sweep!"

I love teaching kids about money. More than that I love teaching kids. They innocently excel to the expectations we set before them. As parents we need to give them plenty of opportunities to test their skills. I have no doubt that with the right set of instruction we will be swept away by how far they soar!

Lent

It has been my practice since childhood to "give up something" for lent. When my sisters and I were little we'd give up candy and collect it in decorated shoe boxes until Easter. On Easter morning Mom and Dad would let us eat anything we wanted. I remember sorting the candy from most favorite to least appealing days ahead of time. The giant Butterfinger candybar was number one with the little rolls of Smarties making the bottom of the list.

I didn't know my kids overheard that I was giving up chocolate this year until one day this week when Jordan told me, "Mom, I'm going to give up chocolate with you. But, Mom, I think there can only be 39 days in Lent because yesterday at Aunt Nicole's I forgot and drank some hot chocolate." I assured Jordan it would be okay. In fact, this entire conversation occurred a couple of days before lent so he was still "safe" to give up chocoloate for the full 40 days.

Maddi was listening intently while eating some peanut butter crackers. She held them up in dismay and said, "I can't eat these!" I asked why and she said, "Because I gave up peanut butter for lent!"

As far as I know her resolution was made on the spot. Still, the heart behind the sacrifices is charming to me. My kids are agreeing to test their will. They are eager to walk alongside their mommy so that I don't have to do this challenge all by myself.

Now all we need is a shoebox. I already know what lucious treat I will be anticipating for on Easter--Lake Champlain's All Natural 5 Star Chocolate Bar, the ultimate mix of chocolate and peanut butter heaven! Move over Easter Bunny, my kids and I are counting the days.

Waiting is a sacrifice that increases the treasure's value. What is something that would be worth it to you to wait for?

Thank You

Madelynn has been reading her collection of "Dick and Jane" books, a marathon at night to see how many pages she can read. She decided the other day, "This book isn't very good. Whoever writes the words is bad because they don't use pleases and thank-yous."

Madelynn's critique challenged me to write a thank-you note to five blessings within the past 24 hours.

1. Thank you, Celestial-Chocolate-Caramel-Enchantment-Chai-Tea, for waking me up this morning.

2. Thank you, spinning class, for helping my mind think clearer.

3. Thank you, snug blankets, cozy fireplace, furry slippers, for keeping me warm this winter.

4. Thank you, sister-in-law, for going to a movie with our kids last night and treating us to dinner.

5. Thank you, computer, for being a friend when I just need to type my thoughts away.

How about you? Do you have a thank-you note or two waiting to be written?

Proud

Maddi had to fill out a form at school describing everyone in her family and what they like to do. She wrote that her mom likes to type in her office. That same day, Jordan found me typing away and said, "Mom, I'm glad that you are writing about dad." I had to ask why and he replied, "Because he is proud, Mommy."

It made me think of a conversation we had before the wedding. One day Jordan told me, "I think Jesus and God are up in heaven crying because you are going to get married."

I was concerned with exactly what this message meant. "Are they crying because they are sad or happy?" I asked.

"Happy," Jordan replied. "Probably, yep...they are crying because they are happy."

"Are you happy that I'm getting married?"

"Yes," Jordan said with a definitive grin.

"What do you think about daddy, Jordan? What is he doing?"

"He's crying, too. He's happy, Mom...I wonder what it's like in heaven."

So do I.

The other night Jordan listened right away when I asked him to put something away in his room and come upstairs for dinner. While eating he asked, "Mom, do you think daddy would be proud that I'm starting to listen good?"

Isn't this what we all desire? Someone to be proud. Someone to believe in us and what we are doing.

I could only agree with my son, "I think daddy is very proud. I think he is very proud for many reasons."

Fill a Bucket

"Mom, I think I'm going to overflow your bucket," my son, Jordan, told me as he gave me a tight hug. Last summer we read a book about filling buckets, sharing kindness with others. We made it a family goal to fill each other's buckets as often as we can. This can be done in a variety of ways: giving a hug, helping out with an extra chore, doing something without complaining, listening right away, etc.

"Mom, do you want to fill my bucket?" Jordan asked, shortly after the squeezable hug he had shared.
"Would you bring my toy cars downstairs?"

This little one is either sly or lazy. He definitely is resourceful and clever.

When is the last time you filled someone's bucket?

 

Our Last Day

"Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." -Minor Myers Jr.

We spent the last afternoon of our trip visiting an orphanage in San Jose, the capitol. We weren't permitted to enter the orphanage as it was Sunday and visitation appointments are only held during the week when there is more staff working. The guard allowed us to talk with four orphan boys, Beto, Pablo, Michael and Ingan, through the rod-iron gates. The other orphans were eating lunch. The boys were as curious about us as we were them.

Our kids brought suckers that they passed through the bars. I couldn't help to think that even when there is a barrier, kindness can be shared. Our kids also donated two bags of their clothes to other children who may need them more.

Madelynn had many questions when we squished in the taxi to go back to our hotel. "Where are the house mothers? Where are all the other orphans? Why do they have to stay there? Are there little girls? Where do they play? Why couldn't we go in?"

Steven had an opposite question to ask me later that night, "Why can't they come out?" His eyes red and wet, "Why do we have privileges and these kids have a lifetime of sacrifice?" I couldn't find an answer to satisfy. Shaking my head I tried, "I don't know. The only thing I can think of is that God is preparing us. He has big plans. He has a mission for our lives." Steven described the boys inside the gates as caged spirits and then said, "I've never seen anything like this in my life."

The entire experience made me think of our trip and how my heart has always been interested in living abroad and helping others. I will never claim to know or understand the plans of God. I do hope though that someday our travels will involve more than the desire for some sunshine and swimming pools. I hope God will entrust us with a great mission, one that he specifically has designed us to do.

 
Family Flower: Hydrangea, which means NEW JOY

Interested Kids

I asked her if it's worth it and instantly our conversation began.

She's the owner of a garden-terraced coffee shop, Cafe Milagro, which translates to Miracle Coffee in English. A North American who came to Costa Rica 20 years ago for a four week trip in search of the best coffee, never returned home. She met a coffee farmer and partnered with him to package and brew his organically grown coffee beans. Pointing around the restaurant she said, "Then I got this animal." We talked about hard work and effort and doing something you love. She nodded and added, "And the animal is always hungry."

That's when I had to ask, "Is it worth it? Is it worth running and striving and feeding the hungry animal? Is it worth the sacrifice?"

"Yes", she said, without hesitation. "My quality of life is much different, there's more depth. In college I was very materialistic. I had one thing on my mind, I was going to be rich. Nothing else mattered. I even had my short, corporate haircut." Now she was laughing as she touched her long, curly walnut-brown hair, mimicking how it had once been styled. "That was a shallow way to live...I know I was made for more."

During the conversation our children leaned against the counter, their eyes consumed like little bodyguards on the homemade chocolate-chip cookies for sale in a big, glass jar. Cajsa asked how much the cookies cost in Spanish. Impressed, the owner congratulated Cajsa on both her language skills and authentic accent. This led to a longer discussion about school and how many people speak Spanish in Minnesota. After paying for the tempting cookies, the owner thanked Steven and I and said, "I also want to thank you for having such interested kids...kids who care. I rarely see that in other families on vacation."

That is what I want. Interested kids. Children who see a world beyond themselves. My greatest ambition in this life is to train up four little hearts that desire to serve and give generously. I want our kids to know that God has a purpose and mission for their lives. I want them to know that God has a plan that involves them. God will use them in a big way. He already is.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Pura Vida

Our second day we drove to Manuel Antonio, our destination for the week. The three hour drive turned into six hours due to traffic, road construction and one wrong turn. Ahhh, the joys of Latin America. 

Long car rides bring out the best in siblings both biological and step. At one point Maddi concluded, "I wish Jordan was in a different country." Cajsa and Onie found this to be pretty humorous, wondering what country Maddi wanted to ship her brother to. Luckily, he got to stay with us in Costa Rica. 

The first thing the kids wanted to do once we reached our hotel was swim. Jordan announced, "I'm a swimming monkey!" One lady being entertained by our four children who were playing like little ants invading a picnic basket, glanced at me from underneath a large straw hat, stirred her drink and then pointed at Jordan saying, "That one must have taken a silly pill, he hasn't stopped laughing since he got here." Was that a compliment? A mother can only nod and smile.

Well, the sunblock that I forgot to pack cost me $16 a bottle at the local corner grocery store. I guess the "locals" don't have much need for sunblock. I also wanted to purchase the Aloe gel but, decided to save the $18 and use regular lotion instead to soothe our baked bodies. One of the nice things about where we are staying is we can cook our own food. I found an imported favorite--Johnsonville Brats stuffed with Cheddar cheese. Those are a deal at $9.50 per package.

Highlights of our Familymoon: Feeding monkeys bananas from our patio. Ziplining through a canopy of trees 150 feet from the rainforest floor. Jumping in the waves in the ocean. Having people admire our family of six and think it's always been this way. Watching our kids experience a new culture for the first time like when Maddi tried lemonade made from fresh squeezed lemons and said, "This is the best lemonade....it's the best because they have gooder lemons here." Or when Onie's swimsuit was full of sand so she changed into shorts and said, "It's okay for me to wear these shorts swimming....they're waterproof!" 

My favorite thing about beach life are the cotton-candy sunsets. Baby blues and pinks swirl against the glassy-top waters and you can’t quite tell where the ocean stops and the sky begins.

The Costa Ricans have a motto, "Pura Vida" the "Pure Life." It makes me think of a book I've been reading that says, "Simplicity of life, not extremes, fits us better."

 
 


 

 

Costa Rica

When we landed in Costa Rica, Jordan told his sister, "Maddi, this is going to totally change my life." 

This is the same nice brother who on the airplane accompanied his little sis to the bathroom with the logic, "I don't want her to get sucked down the toilet!"

At baggage claim I asked Onie to help with a "bag of Grandma's." The request hit her silly bone and she asked me, "Do you want me to get Grandma's bag or a bag full of Grandmas?" The vision had all of us laughing as we loaded our luggage.

When we turned the corner for customs the line was a minimum of ten rows deep. I took a deep breath knowing the wait would be awhile in a region whose culture claims, "There's always tomorrow." Within moments a security guard led us to a different line, the one marked for elderly and handicapped. I guess traveling with four children has its perks.  

We spent our first night in La Bara Blanca (the town where "The Bachelor--Costa Rica Season was filmed). Our initiation to Costa Rica was a Frog Tour where we saw lime-green and lemon-yellow Red-Eye Tree Frogs amongst a variety of other rare Rain Forest reptiles. For me the tour was a bit creepy crawly, finding cucarachas (cockroaches), large frogs the size of a baseball, frogs tinier than pennies, an Army frog dressed in green and white camouflage and a tiny poisonous frog named Blue Jeans for its jean-colored legs which Steven insisted on holding.

Our tour guide put a large guacamole-green frog on Cajsa's baseball cap and told our family to pose around her for a picture. "Say 'Whiskey'!" he told us to produce a smile (the Latin American version of "Say Cheese!"). Just as he started to snap the photo, I was sprayed with frog pee! Jordan also got spattered like a garden hose on the loose. There were a few droplets on Cajsa's hat. "Awesome!" she said, "I've never been pee-ed on by a frog before. 

This became one of the worst and best memories of the trip. Maddi said, "I know why the frogs pee-ed...they were nervous." Jordan didn't care if they were nervous or not, "That was totally nasty," he said.

Jordan woke up the next morning and said, "It's amazing to wake up in a real paradise." 

 

 




"Two seconds before the frog pee-ed on us!"

 

Family-Moon

"So, Mom, where are we going on our honeymoon?" my son asked me shortly after Steven proposed.

Good question, I thought. Wait a minute...are kids invited?

"What is a honeymoon?" Maddi wanted to know. 

"A moon covered in honey," her all-knowing brother explained.

"Can you eat it?" she asked.

Luckily, their two new older sisters know lots of things about lots of stuff. "A honeymoon is a vacation for moms and dads." I think this is where the conversation got creative. Outnumbered two to one, Cajsa, Onie, Jordan and Maddi decided we should take a family trip together--a family-moon instead of a honeymoon.

This only made sense as Maddi had told everyone leading up to the wedding, "We're getting married!" It was true. We got married. We became a family. All six of us are in this thing together. We are blending and learning and adapting to what life looks like with more people in it. 

So, we decided to blend some more in the warm and inviting country of Costa Rica. A family-moon adventure. Accompanied by my mom to enjoy the sun and fresh pineapples, mangos, bananas and maybe a free night or afternoon of "family-moon" babysitting. 

We packed two large suitcases for the six of us plump full of flip flops, shorts, bug spray and homework (we forgot the sunscreen)! Proud of our accomplishment to "pack lightly," Cajsa looked at the bags and said, "Yep! One big happy family."

Up at 2:30 A.M. to catch a 5:20 A.M. flight, our kids chattered and giggled as if it were the first day of summer break, throwing on sweatshirts and shoes and piling into Grandpa's van, our dedicated taxi driver. Filing into the airport we looked like a miniature four-man bob-sled team with a trainer and two coaches. Steven nodded towards the agents at the check-in counter and said, "I hope we get one with a smile."

Smiling indeed, our agent grabbed our first bag and informed us that we were over the weight limit by two pounds and would have to pay a $150 overage charge. So much for my google-ing research that told me international flight weight limits are 70 pounds. The ticket agent said it had recently been changed to 50 pounds for economy class. Some economics! 

Still smiling, the agent seemed impressed by four children lined up like a little ladder. She suggested I re-pack my carryon and check it as a bag. The challenging part to this equation was that our second bag was 10 pounds over the limit. All I could think was, it's a good thing I was a Peace Corps volunteer. We finagled flip flops and shorts and bug spray and homework (good thing we forgot sunscreen) and swapped stuff back and forth, using extra room in Grandma's suitcase and playing with the scale until everything balanced out. Three bags checked, no weight penalty given, money saved. Let the family-moon begin!

Steven smiled at my tenacity and said, "Way to go, now we just need to pay $150 to all those standing in line behind us waiting to check in."

Onto seat assignments. We had seven seats and not one seat was next to another for the sold out flight to Atlanta. As we worked to trade seats so that our children would not be sitting alone, one gentleman looked at me offering to move and said, "I don't mind helping you out." That type of kindness before 6 o'clock in the morning is better than the "Drive Through Difference" at Starbucks. Several generous people made it possible for our little bob-sled team to sit together. 

Our kids were enamored with the flight. It was Cajsa and Onie's first time flying which made everything brand-new for everyone. Jordan held Onie's hand during take-off and Maddi made sure everyone was chewing gum to help with their ears popping. 

During snack time on the plane, Onie turned around and told me, "The cookies are called Delta." 

Many people were watching us, I assume to figure out our story. I guess they have us pegged, a crazy family that loves to travel together.

What an adventure and we hadn't even taken off yet!

 

Wardrobe

One of the readings at our wedding was taken from Colossians 3:12-14 (The Message Bible):

You chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose wardrobe. Never be without it.

Unfortunately, I worry more about what I put on each day than the wardrobe clothing my heart. I wish I was more like my five year old who dresses in her favorite Christmas-tree print black leggings, a hot-pink Hello Kitty t-shirt and a brown polka-dotted headband, off to school with no concerns or worries about matching.

Put on compassion. Put on kindness. Put on quiet strength.

Let your day be clothed in the best outfit possible!

Four Children

I remember joining a bible study in high school and reading my bible every night before bed. I remember a verse that pulled at my heart long before I ever dated, ever had a boyfriend, ever thought I would really fall in love.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27 (NLT)

Back then I wondered why I liked that verse so much. Not many sixteen year olds would concern themselves with widows and orphans. I loved kids and I loved to babysit and I loved the movie "Annie". I thought maybe someday I would start an orphanage. I would have my sisters help me. As a first-born child you get the luxury of telling your younger siblings what their dreams should be, too!

The verse decorated my heart like wallpaper even though I couldn't explain why. I trusted my life would someday explain more. Never could I have imagined how much more would one day be explained.

When I was younger still, I wanted twelve kids. I was fascinated by the show "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers". But, that seemed like a couple too many. So, I decided I would have six boys and six girls. When I played house with my sisters, I would come up with names for all of my future children. I loved elegant names such as Abigail and Gabriella and Madelynn. I loved biblical names like Joshua and Caleb and Jordan.

By the time I was engaged to Shawn my numbers had declined. Twelve kids no longer seemed realistic, but four sounded nice. Coming from a family of five children, I liked the idea of lots of kids around a kitchen table for dinner, always having someone to talk to, having siblings who love you no matter what even if they pull your hair or hog the covers in bed or cross over "your line" in the car. Five may be pushing it. But, four sounded nice.

That is how I came up with my number. I always wanted four kids. Shawn wanted five. We never made a set plan.

When Shawn died I was confused on hundreds of levels. I remember questioning God, why such a strong desire to be a mom of a large family only to take away the dream? I gave up on the fanciful notion that I would ever have four children, most likely as a form of self-preservation. If I had no expectation, I couldn't be disappointed.  I appreciated Jordan and Maddi in a way I never could have without tragedy striking...but I was confused with how God works, hadn't I loved them enough before? 

It wasn't until I was engaged to Steven that I remembered my verse about true religion. That I remembered about caring for widows and orphans and children. It wasn't until I was engaged that I counted the number of kids in our new family. Four. Four children. God has given me my fanciful notion, my young heart's dream, my "secret hoped-for-never-say-it-out-loud-because-I-don't-want-to-ever-again-feel-such-hurtful-disappointment" expectation.

I always wanted four children. To me that always sounded very nice.

 

 

20 Questions

My whirlwind month has flooded my inbox with questions from friends and acquaintances wanting to know more about this guy I married.

Let me introduce you.

Question: How did we meet?

Answer: I met Steven through my friend Lisa (the same friend who took the photograph for my book cover.) Her husband and Steven went to high school together. She believed we would be a very good match. She was very right!

Question: How long have I known him?

Answer: Steven and I started dating in August of 2009 and he proposed on October 1, 2010.

Question: When did I know I wanted to marry him?

Answer: About 4 weeks after knowing Steven, I knew he was the kind of person I wanted to marry. He is easy-going, while hard-working. He is fun-loving while fiercly dedicated. And he is confidant, which compliments my reserved personality. I wanted to know him for at least a year before we made a stronger commitment. I wanted to see what he was like in each season, letting time be a test.

I remember after a year I told him, "You never annoy me. I never get bothered by having you around." Maybe an odd way to give a compliment, but after living alone as a single parent for five years, I wasn't sure about sharing space with someone again. I knew it would take the right person. Niether of us are perfect. We both do things that can be irritating. But, Steven is very fun to have around. He is that right person.

Question: How do his kids get along with my kids?

Answer: Our four children have a Brady-Bunch style about them. This morning Maddi came upstairs for breakfast beaming. I asked why she was so happy. "Today is the day I get to see Cajsa and Onie!" she said, as they split their time between our house and their mom's house. My kids cross-off the days on a calendar until we are all together, the way some kids countdown the days until Christmas.

Question: Is he handy? (Yes, someone asked me this).

Answer: I have a whole new definition of handy. Having someone stop to grab a gallon of milk on his way home is a luxury! Being able to run errands by myself while he watches the kids, is a treat.

Last night Steven set up a convertor box on our television. I have not had a functional T.V. in my home for over 5 years. Let me explain. When Shawn died, he had just finished our basement. The plan was to make the downstairs into a family room and hook up a nice entertainment system. That never happened. Two weeks from completing the project with the final step of laying carpet, the tragic accident occured.

I'm not a huge T.V. person to begin with, but after Shawn died, I no longer cared about family rooms or projects or being entertained.

But, last night I wanted to watch KARE 11, because my favorite priest and mentor, Father Reiser was named one of the 11 who KARE for 2011. Steven set up the T.V. just in time. He is more than handy, he shows he cares by doing his best to take care of me.

Question: How does he feel about the "Shawn Story" and your ministry to help other widows?

Answer: I always tell people that Steven is comfortable in his own skin. He knows who he is and what is important to him and what he wants out of life. He also recognizes the importance of honoring our past, both his and mine. He encourages me to help as much as I can. "People who are hurting need you...you have a gift to offer them," he has told me.

Several weeks ago he told me that when he doesn't know what to do or is struggling with something, he will talk to his dad who died when he was 24 or to Shawn and ask for some guidance. Referring to Shawn he said, "I feel like I have a friend I never met." I believe he does.

I didn't quite make it through 20 questions, but Steven has read my rough draft of this blog and said I've probably written enough...he doesn't want to bore anyone. I think he's a fascinating topic. And I'm looking forward to sharing more with you as our story unfolds.

New Year's Promise

“He who sits on the throne said, “Behold I am making all things new” then he said, “write, for these words are faithful and true.” Revelations 21:5

God making all things new is a message that speaks clearly to a heart that has been tested, re-tested and then tested some more.

All things news. Let's breakdown each word.

God makes ALL things new.

All means all. Everyone, everything, every circumstance we encounter. Every single one. Every joy. Every hurt. Every hardship, crisis, journey, or set-back, Every time we are asked to jump through hoops. Every heartache, headache, and thorn-in-my-side situation. Every happiness, every achievement, every promotion, pressure, practice, or possible situation. All will be made whole. 

God makes all THINGS new.

The word things allows us to fill in the blank with each situation, obsession, fixation, craze, fad, object, item or gadget, idea, issue or subject that fill up our days. All things will be changed. Every detail will be taken care of. All things will be made complete.

God makes all things NEW.

New is the same as fresh, clean, bright, unmarked, faultless, pure, correct, just right, wonderful, perfect, gleaming, pristine, creative, innovative, ground-breaking, a first, exceptional, admirable, tremendous, first-rate, incomparable, unique, unequaled, unparalleled, unmatched, unsurpassed. If God has promised us to make all things new then we know he will make all things beyond compare.

What a tremendous New Year’s promise. God is faithful and true to the reality of our lives. He is concerned about our concerns. He is watching and walking with us. And he wants us to pay attention. He wants us to write it down. He wants us to know that he will complete the empty parts of our lives in ways we could never imagine.

What I Wanted

Some widows have asked me if a new start or new happiness could only come from remarrying. This is a scary question for the lonely hearted. Because the real question behind the question is, “If I never remarry, will I be happy?”

Here is my attempt to answer. God places desires in our hearts. We experience happiness from being with the people we love, doing what we love, and living out the passions we love. For many people, remarriage will be a fulfilling source of happiness. For others, new joys will come in different ways—freedom to go back to school, time to learn a new hobby, compassion to volunteer in new places, devotion to develop deeper relationships with relatives and friends.

May I note that whether we re-marry or never marry again, the pain of loss is still real and valid in our lives. Getting married doesn’t solve the hurt from whatever our past holds. Getting married hopefully supports both happiness and healing in our lives.

I have to believe that the desires of our hearts are placed there for a reason. And I believe those desires are directly related to our happiness in this life. It isn’t certain how those desires will be met or if they will ever be met in this lifetime.

My desire was to re-marry …at some point. I loved being a wife and wanted to experience that again someday. I just wasn’t sure if it would ever happen again. Actually, I was doubtful--doubtful that I would find someone with similar convictions and commitment. Doubtful that I would find someone to accept the whole package--my story, my children and me.

I was not looking for an ordinary kind of love. I was not looking for a replacement or something short-term. I was not even looking for someone who would take me out for dinner and a movie (although Steven got bonus points for taking me out for Sushi on our first date).

I wanted the real thing. I wanted a love that is loyal and strong. I wanted a love that says, “I’m here,” even if the house is a mess or the kids are fighting or the car has a flat tire.

I wanted to be connected with someone who believes in second or even third chances. I wanted someone who believes we are better together than apart. On our first date I told Steven, “I don’t have time for games.” I was actually referring to my life rather than him...the philosophy I now have that life is short, fragile, fleeting. I was trying to describe my "Be Here Now" concept to Steven as we talked in his truck until 2:00 AM, long after the petite, Asian waitress leaned over our table to whisper they were closing.

Steven was hooked. He later told me, “That was my line,” explaining that on every second date with a lovely prospect, he made sure to let them know he wasn’t into playing games. He couldn’t believe I had beaten him to his own punch line. He was intrigued by someone who lived life out loud.

God designed our hearts to change and grow and love and hurt and heal and look for new joys. God designed our hearts to live out loud. Know what you want. Live it loudly.

 

Nester Falls, Canada * July 4, 2010

Discovery

Jordan made a recent discovery on the school bus.

“Yes, I stuck my tongue on something and it didn’t hurt at first, but then I wiped my thumb on the metal and did it again and my tongue stuck and it hurt.” Jordan explained.

His sister, Maddi, added an important detail, “Jordan’s tongue was bleeding.”

“A little bit,” Jordan interrupted, working hard to minimize one of those life-defining, childhood, Christmas Story experiences that are tried once and then never again repeated.

We are learning many new things this brand new year. Some things tried and true. Other lessons that can only come from new beginnings.

Like acceptance. With four children in the house, learning how to share bathrooms and bedrooms require patience. With my new step-guinea pig, Tater, I am learning a whole new definition of tolerance. Growing up without pets, Mr. Tater Tot is a stretch for me. Steve and the kids, however, think Tater is great fun and love leaving the house saying, "Later Tater." I must admit I have been  amused at my children's recent prayers for Tater's little guinea pig friends that are eaten in Peru as a delicacy.

Like forgiveness. Nothing in life is perfect. Neither me or you or new marriages or old ones. I have been married two weeks and have found several occasions for saying, "I'm sorry, I don't blame you, I understand, Please clarify what you mean." Blending families is a process. Living with another adult after doing life solo for five years is another rhythm to rehearse. Combining closests, sorting stuff and merging different ways of doing things has its rough edges. Change, even when it is wonderful and wanted is still a challenge. Forgiveness means compassion.

Like love. Finding and loving the quirky things about all of these new people in our lives is a bonus to having a big family. I'm enamored by these two new girls (ages 8 and 10) that have doubled our family's population. They write notes to Santa that include questions like, "Santa, are you on a diet? Are you lactose intolerant? Do you like nuts in your cookies? Were you Santa your WHOLE life...and we mean your WHOLE life?" Last night we watched, "Cheaper by the Dozen Part 2" with Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt, a story about a family with twelve kids. Our kids asked Steve and I if we could adopt eight more. I think my eyes bugged out just like guinea pig Tater's constant expression. Four is enough for now.

Each part of family life is a discovery. One about each other, our kids, our spouse. And with most frequency, one about ourselves.

All Things New

“He makes all things new.” Revelations 21:5

All things new. This was the theme of our wedding day. The promise that God will take what is broken and restore. The idea that in this life we have valleys and peaks, sorrows and joys--and still there is more to our stories. The belief that God will take a life of imperfection, hurt and chaos and fill that life with comfort, love and new joys. The hope that we will find love to fill our lives, in whatever shape and form that takes.

I am now ready to write a new book, "How to Plan a Wedding in Two Weeks or Less." I'm still stunned at the fact that I'm again married. Probably more shocked that a week before Christmas, after one encouraging phone call from one of my closest friends I decided to take the plunge. It is probably one of the most spontaneous, courageous, take-a-big-leap-of-faith steps I've ever done. And nothing has felt more right.

I would highly recommend this method of madness to any future bride. Planning our special day with such little time, kept the focus of the event at the forefront of each detail. I believe that in many ways our society has lost site of the meaning behind marriage, fooling us to think that a wedding day is about reception menus, seating charts, and cutting a cake with a special knife. We get lost in the details of matching colors and coordinating  dresses and we lie to ourselves that bridesmaids will be able to use these dresses again, when they never do (but, luckily our dear friends humor us.)

We spend more time worrying about the guest list and shoes and make-up and losing ten pounds than we ever take to think about the details of the ceremony that will bind us for life. Will matching jewelry repair a broken heart when marriage isn’t perfect? If we design the perfect “Save-the-Date” card will that guarantee our marriage to succeed? What happens when expectations are not met, when we are disappointed with our mate? Will all the things that sparkled on our wedding day become insurance to remain faithful and loyal to one of the greatest commitments we will ever make?

All things new. God has begun a work in each of us, to create, to love, to make new again. This isn't a message reserved for wedding days or funerals. This is our daily assignment, to allow God to work in us. And to marvel at the new things he has instore.

New Joys

Married.

I got married.

I got married on New Year’s Day!

It was one of the happiest days of my life.

I’m pleased to introduce my new joys.
 
Steven. I started dating Steven a year and a half ago. A mutual friend introduced us saying we led parallel lives. A single dad with two daughters, he loves to travel, eat sushi and is passionate about life. Our friends tease us that we are the only two people on the planet who love circus peanuts (the squishy, orange marshmellowy tasting candy—not to be confused with Easter Peeps.)
 
More important than our favorite childhood candy, Steven is a man of character, strength and loyalty. He loves with a generous heart and has a sense of humor that is rare to find. He told me this week, “I hope I can make you laugh every day for the rest of your life.” I love that proposal as I have some catching up to do in that area.

What does my family think? My mom and dad admire Steven and the role he plays in my life. My sister told me he has depth. My mother-in-law, Shawn’s mom, told me last night on the phone, “Jennifer you won the prize.” When Steven first met Shawn’s sister, she told me how much the family liked him and that if I decided not to keep him, they would! I am beyond blessed that Steven has become a part of all of our lives in a genuine way.

And my kids--their opinion of this new guy in our life? I think they have been waiting for him for a very long time. After we got engaged (10-1-10) Jordan told Steven, “When you marry my mom I will call you dad and I will call my dad in heaven daddy.” Madelynn likes to call him papa-poo.

There are two other special little people that come with this package.

Cajsa [pronounced Kasha]. Named after a great-great-great grandmother, Cajsa is Steven’s ten-year old daughter. She is bright and loving. An athletic little girl, she loves gymnastics, hockey and dirt-biking. Her sense of humor mirrors her father’s and she has a talent for lighting up a room with her expression-filled personality. Jordan loves to make tree-fort floor plans with this new, cool older sister.

Onie [pronounced Oh-knee]. Onie is a nickname for Ione, named after a great aunt. Eight-year old, Onie, is a wonderful playmate to my kids. She is creative, funny and spontaneous. She excels in school and is a natural artist who enjoys painting, drawing cartoons and making little creatures out of clay. Like Madelynn, she is a perpetually happy child. 

The four kids together have a “Brady-Bunchy” sort of dynamic. Still, they get tired and cranky like any other children and I have yet to master how to make something for dinner that all four of them like.

What Steven and I note most about our kids is that they have been through great struggle in their young lives and yet live with such resilience and love. They crave a family. And it is our immense privilege to make and be a family with them.

The idea to marry on New Year’s Day was short and sweet. One of my dearest friends suggested the date to me when I explained we wanted our marriage to represent a new beginning. She asked, “What could be a more ultimate new start than New Year’s Day?”

The craziness of the suggestion and the ideal date of 1-1-11 sold me. Along with the incredible help of family and a few very close friends we planned a magical wedding day in less than two weeks. The whirlwind of our spontaneous plan took away typical wedding pressures and allowed the focus to be about our new family and new found joy.

Married.

I got married.

I got married on New Year’s Day!

It was one of the happiest days of my life.

 

A Day Well Spent

For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a beautiful framed poem for my office. She said it was a gift to read when I write. I have it propped by my computer where I can easily see it.

As I reflect on the words, they are wonderfully fitting for the end of the year and the start of a new one:

A Day Well Spent

If you planted hope today in any hopeless heart

If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part

If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away

If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray

Then your day was well spent.

This will be my prayer for 2011. Planting hope in a hopeless heart. Trying to make someone's burden lighter by extending my own helping hand. Sharing smiles and hugs to those who need it most. Praying for those I love and especially those who are hard to love and hoping they are praying for me.